Making friends by Andrew Matthews Chapter 4/6

Chapter 4: Other ppl's expectation
1. IF U WANT TO INFLUENCE OTHERS THEN COMPLIMENT THEM! You dont have to be a crawler. Neither must u heap upon them litanies of of insincere or false compliments. Simply recognize their good point and let them know. They will remember you. We all need recognition and praise. Our appetite for praise are the same as our appetite for food - it is never satisfied for long. We will never get enough of praise. Eg Peter send his car for repair and told the boss, "u have the most beautiful workshop i have ever seen. It is clean and organise. It is a joy to come here and it is a credit to u." The boss was bowled over. For 20 yrs he had been putting his heart and soul but no one ever complimented him. Some ppl are embarass when u praise them but they are actually glowing inside. Why praise always work? Imagine a business man who are self assure, confident and smart. But on the inside he might be insecure about the part of him that might-not-be-good-enough. Therefore when u say something obvious to u like, "u r very successfull n u should be proud of ur achievement," it comes as a breath of fresh air. He will be overjoyed! SECOND HAND PRAISE-another option for praising others. Ppl are delighted when their fren or families praise them. It is also effective if u r buying someone service for the first time. A good way to start a friendship is to say, "Bob tells me u are the best gardener/mechanic around...", "My boss say u noe more about this machine than anybody else..." Firstly they will appreciate the recognition then next they will want to live up to the reputation.

2.TALKING - PEOPLE FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IF THEY FEEL U R A BIT LIKE THEM. If u have things in common, they can identify with u and sense that u understand them. If u a) find things in common, b) care and c)be human then u will chat quite easily with other ppl.

Finding things in common. When u meet somebody new,they are wondering if u have things in common. Your challenge is to find out the similarities. PEOPLE WHO TURN OTHER OFF ARE ALWAYS FINDING DIFFERENCE. Their message is i m richer, more successful, interesting and i disagree with everything u say. Conversation with this kind of ppl will go like this: You: This salmon r wonderful. Him: this salmon give me hives. You: I am going to france this summer. HIm: My dog died in France.

Striking a common note with ppl is a skill u develop by making the effort to share something of yourself and being aware enough to uncover common interest.

Caring. Think of the last time u r talking to someone and they dont look like they are intersted. R u irritated? Other ppl can sense also if u do the same thing to them. To attract others we have to care about them. When we are vitally interested in someone it is rarely a problem to keep the converstion going. When we care we forget about ourself. We stop wondering, "wat m i going to say next?" There are no more those long uneasy silence. Caring means putting ourselves in the other person shoe and say "u tell me ur story"

Listening. Next time u are talking to someone take note and see if they are listening to u. Do they absorb every word u say or do they keep looking over their shoulder and watch? Do they ever repeat what they think u say just to check that they understand or r they just waiting for u to shut ur mouth so they can talk? Think about it. Dont u like it when ppl give u his total attention? Well the next person u speak to will no doubt feel the same. LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGING. Speak to any failing partner and they will make remarks like, "We dont talk anymore...", "there is no communication in the marriage...", "My father just wont listen..." THe recurring theme is LISTENING. With loved one it is so crucial. Not only do we listen but we also have to listen without judging. We are all so vulnerable. We need at least one person whom we can share our deepest concern and the person will say, "I love and accept u no matter wat."If we fear that when we expose our feeling and the person say, "shame on u" or "u are disgusting." Eventually u will drift apart.

3. DO WHAT U SAY. Do what u promise. Most ppl dont do what they say. They say they will do all kind of things and dont didnt deliver. How often do u hear ppl say, "I will ring u" and they dont, say "I am going to get fit" and they get fat, say "i will help u when i can" when u noe they wont. When we begin mean what we say, other people will: trust us, we consider carefully before we commit, honest, avoid unwanted situation and begin to like ourselves better. WHEN U TAKE NO NOTICE OF WAT U SAY, THEN OTHER PPL WILL TAKE NO NOTICE OF U. So how do u become a person of ur word? YOU MAKE CHOICES, ADMIT TO THEM AND STICK TO THEM. When a neighbor invite u for a drink, u were thinking that u will die instead of go there but u reply her, "sounds great i really hope i can make it!" Instead be honest and say, "Thank u for thinking about me but i wont be there this afternoon." Be tactfull, respect ur own wishes, state ur case and dont feel guilty for being true to yourself.

4. Everybody want respect. Eg: Mary thought that she always do all the housework and Jim (husband) never did anything for the house. She ask Jim to pick up the dry cleaning but Jim forget on his way home and she got angry and thought Jim dont care. Fact is she is not angry that he didnt pick up the laundry but that he did not respect her wishes (although he might have a valid reason). Ways to show respect: 1.LISTEN. Listening indicate respect, 2. EMPHATISE. Let the person knows he appreciate how she feels... "You must feel really upset that the one time u ask me to help out, i let u down! It must seem to u that i dont care less.", 3. IDENTIFY. Find a common ground, "If the situation reverse i will feel just like u," or "i dont blaim u for being upset, i would too." 4. WHAT WOULD U LIKE ME TO DO? When a irate ppl think that u dont care and u ask them wat would u like me to do then they will probably ask u to drive across town to take the laundry now. However when an irate person think that u care then their demand will dissolve. SO WHEN CAN I GIVE EXCUSE? u can give them after u emphathy. Eg: "darling u must b angry that i am 2 hrs late for our wedding. But someone stole my car"

In a nutshell, in dealing with angry ppl, FACTS dont work but care and respect work. LISTEN, EMPHATISE AND GIVE RESPECT then most ppl wont give u trouble.

5. TELL PPL HOW U FEEL. Eg if u love ur parent tell them how u feel. Dont wait till too late. Other ppl cant read ur feeling. Once they noe how u feel then ur relationship will improve.

6. PEOPLE NEED SPACE. Husband Jim want to go fishing and told his wife that he is going alone. Sometimes the best way to get along with others is to be absent.

Making friends by Andrew Matthews Chapter 3/6

This is a few usefull tips from Andrew Matthew book: Making friends. Part 3/6.

Chapter 3: Simplify your life
1. Dealing with ppl who impose. Have u ever had ppl arrive at ur door step who didn't know when to leave? Maybe they stay 4 in the morning or till xmas. We need to be comfortable about saying, "this isn't convenient..." Some ppl will bore u to death with endless story that you have heard many times. Have respect for yourself and while being polite, feel comfortable to say, "Frank, i appreciate u telling me this story. It may surprise u to know that u have told me this story before," or "I don't have time right now. Can u jt give me the essential story?" SOME PPL TAKE DELIGHT IN MAKING U FEEL GUILTY... "If it weren't for u... u are letting me down... after all i have done for u..." Guilt is destructive. Don't buy it. Draw attention to what they are doing and ask them outright, "U aren't trying to make me feel guilty, are u?" Usually they get the message and quit.

2. ASSERT YOURSELF. Where do u draw the line between being assertive and agressive behavior? When we assert ourself it is best to treat others with respect. You have a better chance in getting result if u complain one at a time. Eg: u eat too much, sleep too much,sober up, get a job... Fix the eating first and negotiate from there. Having learn to say no, remember there are times when it pays to accomodate others. It is important to strike a harmonious balance.
Guideline in being assertive:
a) Be objective: When u complain a situation, dont exaggerate and hurl blaime. Eg. A smoker beside u in air plane, "Your smoke is blowing in my face while i am eating. Will u be so kind as not to smoke?" its better than "take ur dirty habit outside" technique. Too often we like to say, "You ALWAYS." "You NEVER listen!" Such generalisation offend ppl. Similarly we must be fair and accurate in our assesment - "your filthy smoke is choking me" is an exageration.

b)Be clear of wat u want: "I would like to c the manager of the store immediately." Tell ppl specifically. Vague instruction like "smarten up!" or "learn some manners!" or "stop ripping me off" dont help

c)State consequence: If u lower down ur volume. I will make sure tat i will lower mine the next time i had a party. Talk in term of "positive if u do" instead of "negative if u don't."

3. DO U ALWAYS SEEK APPROVAL? Worrying about wat others think of us are a habit hard to break but there are tragic result if we dont break it. Often sensible ppl sentence themselves to a lifetime at a job that they hate, reasoning, "What will ppl say if i left this secure job?" Mothers confide, "all my life i wanted to..." Children labour thru years of university study to please their parents... "I hate this course, but if i quit, my parents will go bananas" It is sad but our greatest achievement is to step outside our comfort zones and doing what the mass are not doing.

4. Be ur own judge. The only way to escape GUILT MANIPULATION by others is to be ur own judge. Eg: Mother says, " I am very ill this morning. Would u stop wat u are doing and go to the supermarket for me?" [Message: I am sick and if u dont help me then it means u are uncaring.] You can say tat "Perhaps the shopping can wait a little mum. This is very important." Bf: "If u really love me then u will sleep with me." You can say that, "I appreaciate u belief i shd sleep with u but my view is..."

Trick in dealing with salesman: Act like a BROKEN MACHINE. In every sentence repeat that "i dont want to buy ur dictionary" When using the broken machine method keep voice calm, monotone and cool. Your aim is not to offend the person. Agree with the person when possible. "I agree i seem uncaring but i dont want to buy the dictionary." Further, use the same words for the impact will be stronger. And lastly be persistent.

COUNTERING MANIPULATION WITH QUESTION. This is use when broken record is not appropriate. 1 or 2 incisive q will show that u wont be push around. Eg: If u are a fren, u will lend me money. You: Why would a fren neccessarily lend u money? Him: cost i need it. You: I am sure u do, are u saying i am not a fren if i dont lend u money? Him: well... no.

Making friends by Andrew Matthews Chapter 2/6

This is part 2 of Making Friends by Andrew Matthew (self development book). I find his book really inspiring. If u feel the same way too then do urself a favor to read it. The book have many more eg and elaboration that will make u understand better :D

Chapter 2: Sorting Yourself Out
1. The distance we keep. Quit playing games. No one can make it all alone, though sometimes we fake it. We pretend we can. But there are no prizes for spending a lifetime playing games saying, "I m ok. I dont need anyone." Jane think, "i would call bob up but i dont want to let him think i like him." Bob thinks, "i am mad about Jane but i could never tell her." They spend weekend themselves, proud and lonely. There is no shame in finding someone else to be attractive or good company. But u tell yourself that I DONT WANT TO BE HURT... Sure u MIGHT b shattered but keep it in mind that we give everything we had.

2. YOU DECIDE HOW U FEEL. Misery is contagious. Sometimes people will even insist that you should be depressed. Eg my house are burgled and some cash are gone. After initial upsetting realisation that my house are burgled, i refuse to let the burgler wreck my day. But guess wat is the biggest prob? Other ppl want me to feel depressed. My fren Jim found out and insist that i shd be disturbed. "I heard ur house are burgled. You must feel terrible". I said, "Jim u heard we are burgled and i guess u noe all the facts. U also noe that i like to put unpleasantness behind me as soon as i can, so thk u for ur concern and let me tell u abt something much more intersting......" Jim in turn tell more of my frens and they in turn gave the same reaction as Jim. Often others mean well but manage to help u feel worse. IT IS UP TO U TO DECIDE HOW YOU FEEL. Have u been working all day and someone say, "gee u must be tired!" Being tired is the last thing on ur mind till u are reminded. Ppl will tell u frm time to time, "U shd be upset," "Times are tough," "Life is a bummer," "Work is a pain in the neck." Tell yourself quietly, "That is their reality, and i respect it, and i may choose to talk with them about it - but i refuse to adopt it. I CHOOSE HOW I FEEL

Making friends by Andrew Matthews Chapter 1/6

This book is great~!Its mainly about communicating with ppl~ Most of the points make sense. I hope to share with you all~ Do try to read the actual book as it is written in a very interesting way. I will be writting in chapters form. Total there is 6 chapter.

Chapter 1: You and others
1. WE ALL GET NERVOUS. Most ppl are more scared than we are. Eg: You spot a glamorous girl call Jane in a party and u think that she is calm and confident but in Jane's mind she is wondering whether, "Does ppl think its weird that i am sitting by myself or am i unattractive." Sometimes we think that WE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Few ppl have confidence that they appear to have. Eg: u have neighbour that u never talk to and conclude they are snob. In actual u were frighten to say hello and figure THEY have prob. They were scared to say hello cos they reasoned YOU had a prob.

2. When we have bad habit we are the last to know. If u want to improve then ask the ppl u can trust. Tell them that u want to improve urself and want their total honesty.

3. If we ONLY SEE OUR FAULTS, WE EXPECT THAT OTHERS WILL SEE ONLY OUR FAULTS. Eg. u are insecure about ur look and think that ur gf will look for a new bf so u always nag at her. As a result, u are so engrous in ur prob that u forget to care about her. IF U DONT LIKE YOURSELF, YOU WONT BELIEVE THAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD LIKE YOU! So ask urself that, "do u want to lift urself up or pull urself down?" COMPARING OURSELVES IS A TRAP. There will always be someone richer, smarter, wittier than we are. So we need to stop measure ourselves against others but begin by setting goals and target which make sense to us. we measure our growth this year in term of last year.

4. Taking ourselves too seriously. John worn a beard for many years n decide to shave. But he is self conscious about making change and wondered what other ppl will think. When he go to the office no one gave reaction. During lunch he could not stand it any longer and ask, "what do u think of my new look." His fren give him a blank stare and say that he had a new mustache. THINGS THAT ARE HUGELY IMPORTANT TO US DONT MATTER A JOT TO OTHERS. Brian has a pimple his nose and hid in his hse 4 a week. Who cares?