Making friends by Andrew Matthews Chapter 4/6

Chapter 4: Other ppl's expectation
1. IF U WANT TO INFLUENCE OTHERS THEN COMPLIMENT THEM! You dont have to be a crawler. Neither must u heap upon them litanies of of insincere or false compliments. Simply recognize their good point and let them know. They will remember you. We all need recognition and praise. Our appetite for praise are the same as our appetite for food - it is never satisfied for long. We will never get enough of praise. Eg Peter send his car for repair and told the boss, "u have the most beautiful workshop i have ever seen. It is clean and organise. It is a joy to come here and it is a credit to u." The boss was bowled over. For 20 yrs he had been putting his heart and soul but no one ever complimented him. Some ppl are embarass when u praise them but they are actually glowing inside. Why praise always work? Imagine a business man who are self assure, confident and smart. But on the inside he might be insecure about the part of him that might-not-be-good-enough. Therefore when u say something obvious to u like, "u r very successfull n u should be proud of ur achievement," it comes as a breath of fresh air. He will be overjoyed! SECOND HAND PRAISE-another option for praising others. Ppl are delighted when their fren or families praise them. It is also effective if u r buying someone service for the first time. A good way to start a friendship is to say, "Bob tells me u are the best gardener/mechanic around...", "My boss say u noe more about this machine than anybody else..." Firstly they will appreciate the recognition then next they will want to live up to the reputation.

2.TALKING - PEOPLE FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IF THEY FEEL U R A BIT LIKE THEM. If u have things in common, they can identify with u and sense that u understand them. If u a) find things in common, b) care and c)be human then u will chat quite easily with other ppl.

Finding things in common. When u meet somebody new,they are wondering if u have things in common. Your challenge is to find out the similarities. PEOPLE WHO TURN OTHER OFF ARE ALWAYS FINDING DIFFERENCE. Their message is i m richer, more successful, interesting and i disagree with everything u say. Conversation with this kind of ppl will go like this: You: This salmon r wonderful. Him: this salmon give me hives. You: I am going to france this summer. HIm: My dog died in France.

Striking a common note with ppl is a skill u develop by making the effort to share something of yourself and being aware enough to uncover common interest.

Caring. Think of the last time u r talking to someone and they dont look like they are intersted. R u irritated? Other ppl can sense also if u do the same thing to them. To attract others we have to care about them. When we are vitally interested in someone it is rarely a problem to keep the converstion going. When we care we forget about ourself. We stop wondering, "wat m i going to say next?" There are no more those long uneasy silence. Caring means putting ourselves in the other person shoe and say "u tell me ur story"

Listening. Next time u are talking to someone take note and see if they are listening to u. Do they absorb every word u say or do they keep looking over their shoulder and watch? Do they ever repeat what they think u say just to check that they understand or r they just waiting for u to shut ur mouth so they can talk? Think about it. Dont u like it when ppl give u his total attention? Well the next person u speak to will no doubt feel the same. LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGING. Speak to any failing partner and they will make remarks like, "We dont talk anymore...", "there is no communication in the marriage...", "My father just wont listen..." THe recurring theme is LISTENING. With loved one it is so crucial. Not only do we listen but we also have to listen without judging. We are all so vulnerable. We need at least one person whom we can share our deepest concern and the person will say, "I love and accept u no matter wat."If we fear that when we expose our feeling and the person say, "shame on u" or "u are disgusting." Eventually u will drift apart.

3. DO WHAT U SAY. Do what u promise. Most ppl dont do what they say. They say they will do all kind of things and dont didnt deliver. How often do u hear ppl say, "I will ring u" and they dont, say "I am going to get fit" and they get fat, say "i will help u when i can" when u noe they wont. When we begin mean what we say, other people will: trust us, we consider carefully before we commit, honest, avoid unwanted situation and begin to like ourselves better. WHEN U TAKE NO NOTICE OF WAT U SAY, THEN OTHER PPL WILL TAKE NO NOTICE OF U. So how do u become a person of ur word? YOU MAKE CHOICES, ADMIT TO THEM AND STICK TO THEM. When a neighbor invite u for a drink, u were thinking that u will die instead of go there but u reply her, "sounds great i really hope i can make it!" Instead be honest and say, "Thank u for thinking about me but i wont be there this afternoon." Be tactfull, respect ur own wishes, state ur case and dont feel guilty for being true to yourself.

4. Everybody want respect. Eg: Mary thought that she always do all the housework and Jim (husband) never did anything for the house. She ask Jim to pick up the dry cleaning but Jim forget on his way home and she got angry and thought Jim dont care. Fact is she is not angry that he didnt pick up the laundry but that he did not respect her wishes (although he might have a valid reason). Ways to show respect: 1.LISTEN. Listening indicate respect, 2. EMPHATISE. Let the person knows he appreciate how she feels... "You must feel really upset that the one time u ask me to help out, i let u down! It must seem to u that i dont care less.", 3. IDENTIFY. Find a common ground, "If the situation reverse i will feel just like u," or "i dont blaim u for being upset, i would too." 4. WHAT WOULD U LIKE ME TO DO? When a irate ppl think that u dont care and u ask them wat would u like me to do then they will probably ask u to drive across town to take the laundry now. However when an irate person think that u care then their demand will dissolve. SO WHEN CAN I GIVE EXCUSE? u can give them after u emphathy. Eg: "darling u must b angry that i am 2 hrs late for our wedding. But someone stole my car"

In a nutshell, in dealing with angry ppl, FACTS dont work but care and respect work. LISTEN, EMPHATISE AND GIVE RESPECT then most ppl wont give u trouble.

5. TELL PPL HOW U FEEL. Eg if u love ur parent tell them how u feel. Dont wait till too late. Other ppl cant read ur feeling. Once they noe how u feel then ur relationship will improve.

6. PEOPLE NEED SPACE. Husband Jim want to go fishing and told his wife that he is going alone. Sometimes the best way to get along with others is to be absent.