This is a few usefull tips from Andrew Matthew book: Making friends. Part 3/6.
Chapter 3: Simplify your life
1. Dealing with ppl who impose. Have u ever had ppl arrive at ur door step who didn't know when to leave? Maybe they stay 4 in the morning or till xmas. We need to be comfortable about saying, "this isn't convenient..." Some ppl will bore u to death with endless story that you have heard many times. Have respect for yourself and while being polite, feel comfortable to say, "Frank, i appreciate u telling me this story. It may surprise u to know that u have told me this story before," or "I don't have time right now. Can u jt give me the essential story?" SOME PPL TAKE DELIGHT IN MAKING U FEEL GUILTY... "If it weren't for u... u are letting me down... after all i have done for u..." Guilt is destructive. Don't buy it. Draw attention to what they are doing and ask them outright, "U aren't trying to make me feel guilty, are u?" Usually they get the message and quit.
2. ASSERT YOURSELF. Where do u draw the line between being assertive and agressive behavior? When we assert ourself it is best to treat others with respect. You have a better chance in getting result if u complain one at a time. Eg: u eat too much, sleep too much,sober up, get a job... Fix the eating first and negotiate from there. Having learn to say no, remember there are times when it pays to accomodate others. It is important to strike a harmonious balance.
Guideline in being assertive:
a) Be objective: When u complain a situation, dont exaggerate and hurl blaime. Eg. A smoker beside u in air plane, "Your smoke is blowing in my face while i am eating. Will u be so kind as not to smoke?" its better than "take ur dirty habit outside" technique. Too often we like to say, "You ALWAYS." "You NEVER listen!" Such generalisation offend ppl. Similarly we must be fair and accurate in our assesment - "your filthy smoke is choking me" is an exageration.
b)Be clear of wat u want: "I would like to c the manager of the store immediately." Tell ppl specifically. Vague instruction like "smarten up!" or "learn some manners!" or "stop ripping me off" dont help
c)State consequence: If u lower down ur volume. I will make sure tat i will lower mine the next time i had a party. Talk in term of "positive if u do" instead of "negative if u don't."
3. DO U ALWAYS SEEK APPROVAL? Worrying about wat others think of us are a habit hard to break but there are tragic result if we dont break it. Often sensible ppl sentence themselves to a lifetime at a job that they hate, reasoning, "What will ppl say if i left this secure job?" Mothers confide, "all my life i wanted to..." Children labour thru years of university study to please their parents... "I hate this course, but if i quit, my parents will go bananas" It is sad but our greatest achievement is to step outside our comfort zones and doing what the mass are not doing.
4. Be ur own judge. The only way to escape GUILT MANIPULATION by others is to be ur own judge. Eg: Mother says, " I am very ill this morning. Would u stop wat u are doing and go to the supermarket for me?" [Message: I am sick and if u dont help me then it means u are uncaring.] You can say tat "Perhaps the shopping can wait a little mum. This is very important." Bf: "If u really love me then u will sleep with me." You can say that, "I appreaciate u belief i shd sleep with u but my view is..."
Trick in dealing with salesman: Act like a BROKEN MACHINE. In every sentence repeat that "i dont want to buy ur dictionary" When using the broken machine method keep voice calm, monotone and cool. Your aim is not to offend the person. Agree with the person when possible. "I agree i seem uncaring but i dont want to buy the dictionary." Further, use the same words for the impact will be stronger. And lastly be persistent.
COUNTERING MANIPULATION WITH QUESTION. This is use when broken record is not appropriate. 1 or 2 incisive q will show that u wont be push around. Eg: If u are a fren, u will lend me money. You: Why would a fren neccessarily lend u money? Him: cost i need it. You: I am sure u do, are u saying i am not a fren if i dont lend u money? Him: well... no.
Chapter 3: Simplify your life
1. Dealing with ppl who impose. Have u ever had ppl arrive at ur door step who didn't know when to leave? Maybe they stay 4 in the morning or till xmas. We need to be comfortable about saying, "this isn't convenient..." Some ppl will bore u to death with endless story that you have heard many times. Have respect for yourself and while being polite, feel comfortable to say, "Frank, i appreciate u telling me this story. It may surprise u to know that u have told me this story before," or "I don't have time right now. Can u jt give me the essential story?" SOME PPL TAKE DELIGHT IN MAKING U FEEL GUILTY... "If it weren't for u... u are letting me down... after all i have done for u..." Guilt is destructive. Don't buy it. Draw attention to what they are doing and ask them outright, "U aren't trying to make me feel guilty, are u?" Usually they get the message and quit.
2. ASSERT YOURSELF. Where do u draw the line between being assertive and agressive behavior? When we assert ourself it is best to treat others with respect. You have a better chance in getting result if u complain one at a time. Eg: u eat too much, sleep too much,sober up, get a job... Fix the eating first and negotiate from there. Having learn to say no, remember there are times when it pays to accomodate others. It is important to strike a harmonious balance.
Guideline in being assertive:
a) Be objective: When u complain a situation, dont exaggerate and hurl blaime. Eg. A smoker beside u in air plane, "Your smoke is blowing in my face while i am eating. Will u be so kind as not to smoke?" its better than "take ur dirty habit outside" technique. Too often we like to say, "You ALWAYS." "You NEVER listen!" Such generalisation offend ppl. Similarly we must be fair and accurate in our assesment - "your filthy smoke is choking me" is an exageration.
b)Be clear of wat u want: "I would like to c the manager of the store immediately." Tell ppl specifically. Vague instruction like "smarten up!" or "learn some manners!" or "stop ripping me off" dont help
c)State consequence: If u lower down ur volume. I will make sure tat i will lower mine the next time i had a party. Talk in term of "positive if u do" instead of "negative if u don't."
3. DO U ALWAYS SEEK APPROVAL? Worrying about wat others think of us are a habit hard to break but there are tragic result if we dont break it. Often sensible ppl sentence themselves to a lifetime at a job that they hate, reasoning, "What will ppl say if i left this secure job?" Mothers confide, "all my life i wanted to..." Children labour thru years of university study to please their parents... "I hate this course, but if i quit, my parents will go bananas" It is sad but our greatest achievement is to step outside our comfort zones and doing what the mass are not doing.
4. Be ur own judge. The only way to escape GUILT MANIPULATION by others is to be ur own judge. Eg: Mother says, " I am very ill this morning. Would u stop wat u are doing and go to the supermarket for me?" [Message: I am sick and if u dont help me then it means u are uncaring.] You can say tat "Perhaps the shopping can wait a little mum. This is very important." Bf: "If u really love me then u will sleep with me." You can say that, "I appreaciate u belief i shd sleep with u but my view is..."
Trick in dealing with salesman: Act like a BROKEN MACHINE. In every sentence repeat that "i dont want to buy ur dictionary" When using the broken machine method keep voice calm, monotone and cool. Your aim is not to offend the person. Agree with the person when possible. "I agree i seem uncaring but i dont want to buy the dictionary." Further, use the same words for the impact will be stronger. And lastly be persistent.
COUNTERING MANIPULATION WITH QUESTION. This is use when broken record is not appropriate. 1 or 2 incisive q will show that u wont be push around. Eg: If u are a fren, u will lend me money. You: Why would a fren neccessarily lend u money? Him: cost i need it. You: I am sure u do, are u saying i am not a fren if i dont lend u money? Him: well... no.
No comments:
Post a Comment